Ralphs Grocery Store - Night Vale

10/01/2024

Come on down to our deli department today for a nice hot slice of pizza!

Allergen warning: peanuts. You'll love it.

(PS: someone decided to plunk a negative review filled with spam on our page. Can we get anyone to report them to the Sheriff's Secret Police?)

29/06/2023

Spider trash

28/06/2023

With summer coming up, don't forget to grab your lawn chairs! Remember! A relaxed lawn is a healthy lawn. Get your lawn a chair today.

23/11/2021

03/10/2021

Responsible for stocking the beer cave. Must be 21+. Must have survival training against thousand eye monsters from alternate dimensions that enter through the beer cave. Minimum wage, Must sign waver.

See store page for details. Or ask for Charlie Baer, weekend shift manager.

30/09/2021

It has come to our attention that Ralph's, our malignant doppelganger store, has begun selling doppelganger cakes. If you buy those cakes, we no longer wish to know you.

26/08/2021

Assistant Manager Lyn here announcing a new product on our shelves. Check out aisle 7!

24/08/2021

Attention shoppers! Aisle 8 is experiencing warp loops again. Canned goods that could be reached have been moved to aisles 7 and 9. Security tape has been strung across the aisle.

Do. Not. Cross. The. Security. Tape.

19/08/2021

That's a great and obvious question, Rebecca. The answer: We are already in your kitchen thanks to its default settings.

Depending on your kitchen model, look for the unused cabinet next to the microwave, the pantry in need of repainting, or that drawer with no k**b that is right under the sink. Just squeeze yourself into that and find yourself spirited away to the janitor's closet in your fiendly neighborhood Ralphs.

11/08/2021

Having a spaghetti night? Try our Km-wide meatballs! No sale, the taste is reward enough.

Soylent is people, visualized.

07/07/2021

You will be responsible for stocking the shelves and feeding the entity in the beer cave. The beer cave is still stuck in a time loop, so make every effort to stay out of it.

04/06/2021

Great question, Shelly. Our 100% organic Furby ground chuck is 100% "YUM YUM." Visit our deli and do not make eye contact with Dirty Phil... he'll know why you're there.

30/04/2021

To the unauthorized person sneaking into our Nightvale-City-Council-Permit-Approved Staff Bathroom and taking these pictures, we would like to remind you that hard-working statues do not deserve your ridicule.

26/04/2021

Invisible Bananas from John Peters, you know, the Farmer, on sale 49 cents/oz. 🍌🍌🍌

27/03/2021

To answer a question from Ms. Jennifer's second-grade class at Nightvale John Peters, you know the farmer Memorial Elementary, we use the bones to make banana bone broth, better known as banana milk. Also, only willing bananas give up their bones to us so we are in compliance with the FDA and Geneva Convention Guildlines 🍌🍌🍌🍌

25/02/2021

We at Ralphs appreciate our employees. So, because time is relative, Happy Birthday morning to GM Ben Shulman. We hope you have a good day (that has not happened yet).

Also, birthday supplies are 35% off!

19/02/2021

Well we survived another one. Our doors are reopened after Valentine's Day and we are fully stocked for shopping!

Stay out of Aisle two. There's nothing to see.

Don't ask questions.

17/02/2021

Organic invisible dog treats from John Peters, you know, the farmer on sale for full price at Ralphs! https://giphy.com/gifs/kh4161pN9AR98wlDbz

12/02/2021

Ok ok, we admit Jebs Sport and Fishing Outlet is kinda rugged, and handsome. Ralphs Grocery Store may consider entering into a “soft business partnership.”

JUST BUSINESS. We have to see how things go.😏

08/02/2021

Ralphs now sells fishing tackle! Come get some here and not at Jebs Sport and Fish Outlet. Post some of your best fishing photos or whatever you fishing people do.

05/02/2021

Ralphs Grocery Store is NOT being bought out by Jebs Sport and Fishing Outlet. We don’t know who started this rumor, but whoever did STOP IT! Jeb is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire.

Pants will also be on sale this week!

03/02/2021

What does red construction paper, used rolls of toilet paper, and half-eaten pasta dinners have to do with anything? At Ralphs, we see an opportunity for crafting Valentine’s Day gifts!

23/12/2020

Great news! Ralphs now has a page. Our Ralphs family at your digital finger tips 👉📱

Also, Assorted Finger Tips: 12 for $10 only at Ralphs!

22/12/2020

In response to posts about our new storefront signs, we are well aware that many in spectral community may feel marginalized. We strongly and politely urge those apparitions to will some meat onto those ghostly bones so that you can be welcomed as part of corporeal society.

And on that note, BONELESS ribs on sale this week 9.99/lb.

22/12/2020

In response to the rumors that a snake bit a customer at Ralphs Grocery Store this morning, YES there was a snake, and NO it was not a Ralphs employee. Our snakes have all slithered contracts that vow they will NOT bite customers..
Image by Alessandra Brogi
https://www.behance.net/gallery/25304831/Snake-Man